Sweet Like Honey

our family's journal of God at work

I’d rather feel pain. . .

8 Comments

I began miscarrying last night for the eighth time.  The contractions started in earnest before I went to sleep and I woke in the early hours with intense pain and bleeding. 

This morning I received an e-mail from a friend saying she’d been woken up by a dream about me while it was still dark and prayed for me.  I was up shortly before dawn trying to make the pain go away enough so I could sleep.  Her note reminded me that God was with me then, is with me now, loves me, is holding me in His hand. . .thank You, Lord!

I’ve been anticipating this miscarriage for a few weeks with alternating fear and faith, expecting the inevitable and yet excited that this time it might be different.  A few friends have been praying for me with a lot more faith than I could.  I have felt like the paralytic man who was healed by the faith of his friends who lowered him down to Jesus through the roof.  My heart has been paralyzed because I’ve been trying to protect myself from the pain of yet another baby lost.

It hit me hard the other day when I realized that pregnancy signs have become signs of miscarriage in my mind–I don’t think of “pregnancy” in the normal way anymore.  There are also specific signs of miscarriage I’ve become pretty sensitive to.  I left the breakfast table the other morning to go cry, because I was pretty sure by then that I was going to miscarry and I couldn’t hold back the emotions.  When I came back to the table Rob and the children asked why I was crying.  When I told them, the children asked how I knew that already.  Rob told them, “Mommy knows.”

A few nights ago I willed myself to open my heart enough to tell God that I did want this baby and that I wanted Him to preserve the pregnancy.  I told Him that I didn’t want to wall off my heart, but instead I wanted to trust Him and ask in faith for this real and good desire, and that I would trust and praise Him no matter what the outcome.

I’ve decided I’d rather have faith and risk being hurt than have a heart of stone.  I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing.  I’d rather be forced to cling to God and experience His comfort than retreat within myself in prideful self-protection.  I’d rather be alive than dead.

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Author: Cassie

Follower of Jesus, wife and mom to the most wonderful family I could ever ask for.

8 thoughts on “I’d rather feel pain. . .

  1. What a beautiful window into your heart; a heart of faith during pain is a beautiful heart. I pray that God would be near to you during these days ahead as you seek His rest. I read your words and feel as though you are living true the beautiful reality of one of my favorite poems. May I share? (You may have read it):

    The Thorn

    I stood a mendicant* of God before His royal throne
    And begged Him for a priceless gift, which I could call my own.
    I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
    I cried, “But Lord, this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
    This is a strange, a hurtful gift that Thou hast given me.
    He said, “My child, I give good gifts and give my best to thee.”
    I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore;
    As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
    I learned He never gives a thorn without this added Grace.
    He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

    — Martha Snell Nicholson

    Thank you for visiting my blog today and encouraging me, too!

  2. I am so sorry Cassie. I am praying for you.

  3. Oh Cassie…I am praying for you. I am so sorry to hear this. But I must say God uses you in these times to speak VOLUMES to others.
    I love you! 🙂

  4. Psalm 61:1-4 “Hear my cry o God; attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.
    I love you sis! Tammy

  5. I am praying for you Cassie! God is right there with you and loves you!!!

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss, Cassie.

  7. I’m so sorry Cassie! I know this is so hard! I will be praying for you.

    Have you heard the CD from Sov. Grace music called “Come Weary Saints”? It has ministered INCREDIBLY to me during my chronic pain issues.

    Trusting in God through pain…with you!
    Hugs.

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