So, I haven’t been writing much lately. . .actually, I’ve not been doing much lately. . .I am two months pregnant and have merely been surviving day to day because of the fatigue and nausea. There’s also been the emotional aspect of wondering if this pregnancy will go full term. I find myself surrendering to God’s will a lot. I also catch myself telling God that if this pregnancy doesn’t go well then I am done–I can’t keep doing this; but what does that mean for someone like me who doesn’t want to do anything permanent like surgery and who is against abortifacient forms of birth control? I’ve had 12 miscarriages, and I know some people think I am crazy, “Why doesn’t she give up?”–but there really are some tough questions involved. It is not a light thing to play God over your life. I just trust myself to the mercy of God and know He is storing up for me a greater weight of glory. He is sovereign and He is good. I am thankful for the children I have, and am not idolizing having a baby. I would like more children, but my life doesn’t revolve around that. I haven’t even been trying to get pregnant, but God seems to have other plans and so I trust the babies I’ve lost are with Him and that my losses are not a waste. I am weary of feeling like a broken woman though. I do beg Him to heal me.
Laura was making plans for the babies (she wants twins) today, and how she will help them learn to swim. It was so sweet. She really wants another baby in the family. Everyone does. Laura is almost four, and is definitely the mother hen of the family. She loves to take care of everyone and wants to tend to a little one so badly. When she was sharing her thoughts with me I became very choked up, “Oh, Lord, please don’t let her be disappointed!” I gave her a hug and told her how sweet she is.
We’ve finished up our school year (we go year round with short breaks) using My Father’s World Adventures and are taking the week off before we go into MFW Exploring Countries and Cultures. The boys wanted to start this week because they love MFW and can’t wait to get into all the new books. We got a head start on the geography last night when Christopher pulled our laminated US/World map from Adventures down and started asking us “What is the capitol of _________?” We spent over an hour passing the map around as we all took turns asking and answering similar questions–giggles and smiles thrown in for good measure. This was after a good Sunday afternoon nap, a thunderstorm that knocked our power out for a while and a dinner we threw together from things that didn’t need cooked, a family read-aloud of the Wind in the Willows, a pleasant walk and then a good visit with a neighbor. By the time we fed everyone again and put them all to bed it was after 11pm. But we were having such a fun time just being a family we didn’t notice how late it was.
This morning I was able to get out of bed early enough to have a good quiet time with the Lord. I’ve been dragging so much lately that this hasn’t happened like I would want it to, so I was really excited about this. The rest of the day was full of little blessings.
I was able to conquer the mess in my kitchen (had a bit more energy).
A friend came by to bring some books she’d borrowed and we ended up going to Staples together so we could talk for a bit and get something done too (she has her own business and is so busy right now). When we got to the store we met my friend’s mom, who “just happened” to be there at the same time, so we got to talk with her too. The children were so excited about going to Staples for the first time that they screamed with delight when I told them we were going–they were as excited as if I was taking them to the zoo or something. It was pretty funny. They’ve been stuck at home a lot lately though, due to sickness we’ve been dealing with. When I was checking out, the cashier said, “I just want you to know that you are an encouragement. My wife and I want to try for four kids too.” I was so surprised, and grateful that we could encourage this young man that children are the blessing he thought they would be. I hadn’t started the day out planning to go to Staples, but it became pretty evident that God had directed our going. I love how He is in every detail of our lives.
Later, another friend who orders for our organic produce co-op delivered the produce right to my kitchen and carried it all for me. That was nice, since I can’t lift too much right now.
I got a lot done, and then had time for a good nap which gave me energy to have dinner ready on time! LOL. That is a struggle when I am not pregnant, but right now it is really hard. It really is the simple things! I just felt the Lord upholding me all day. Dinner and family worship time were wonderful and we all talked about our favorite part of the day. Rob said his favorite part of the day was coming home–I am so glad. That is my favorite part of each day too. 11 years of marriage has gone by so fast, and I love my husband more with each passing day. He is a blessing!
How have you seen God’s hand in your life today?