Dragonflies and butterflies filled the air last week when we drove to Christopher’s violin lesson. I ducked to avoid them but despite my efforts we hit several with our car. A Gulf Fritillary butterfly became caught in our windshield wiper but was alive.
Once we slowed our pace in town the butterfly fought to free itself, twisting and pulling with all its might. I watched in horror as bits of wing tore off and blew away in the breeze. I wanted to shout, “Stop! Wait until we get to where we are going and I will let you go. We are almost there and then you can be free!”
And then I realized that I am just like that butterfly. When circumstances become difficult I fight to free myself of them in any way I can, sometimes in reality and other times in my imagination. I view life through my limited understanding and react against unpleasant things in my own strength, hurting myself and others in the process. Just like the butterfly, I want to spend life drinking nectar from colorful flowers. Trials seem to stand in my way.
We arrived at the music shop and I let the butterfly go. It had enough wing left to fly away, but if it had waited patiently it would have remained whole. Freedom would have been sweeter.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths” Proverbs 3:5-6.
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
The Lord sees the unseen. We only see the temporal. He is faithful and we can trust Him to work what is right in our lives for His glory and our good. We mentally assent to this, but our actions betray the true condition of our hearts. As we wrestle against difficulties our way, our Father reassures us that if we will rest in Him He will deliver us at the right time.
When I had the last miscarriage, I cried out to God and told Him how tempted I was to permanently prevent future miscarriages. That kind of drastic measure is not something I believe in doing but after 14 miscarriages I was feeling desperate. Others I know believe differently than I about having surgery to prevent pregnancy, but I never could have done it in faith that it was right. For me, it would have been sin, but I was close to ignoring my convictions. I begged the Lord to heal me and give me a baby or to keep me trusting Him through the heartache. I never allowed having another baby to become my focus because the Lord had become my delight–when you suffer and continually find the Lord to be faithful you cannot do anything but delight in the Him (Psalm 73:23-26)–but losing children over and over and over again is very painful.
A year went by and my health continued to decline. This spring I almost died and it was then the Lord healed me completely and immediately blessed us with a healthy pregnancy. Our baby is due in January and is doing very well. The word amazing keeps coming to my lips. Only God could do this. When I think of how I almost gave up, I am humbled. He knew it would be “just a little further” to the place He would set me free. And because He kept me trusting when I couldn’t trust anymore, I am whole and freedom is sweet.